Deliciousnecity

So. All the time now it is like this. I feel frisky and alive. I am insatiably, unreasonably happy. It makes me sick how delighted I am with the world.All the time I'm smiling and even my little tantrums make me laugh. I go under a wave of impossible situations and while I am rolling around and the sense of panic locks me in it's steely gaze, I always give up and go limp. I just go under the wonder and it becomes me. And here I am again. Happy. I keep cutting things out as I find them. "Don't need this. Don't need that!" And as I give up it seems I get more. Such an old and worn platitude. Who doesn't know this? Haven't I always known this? But only as a periferal, a goal, someplace I thought would be cool to get to. There is a definite plus side, but all things gain this moment. Think about this: as I sit here writing, I am pretty fuckin' happy to be doing it. And you just read this while I am in the midst of feeling excellent. Does it make you smile? I hope not. Did you know I was going to say that? I write these words as a post mark in case I get lost, because I haven't spent a lot of my life in this kind of bliss. There is no reasoning with it, no separation between it and me. When the waves come, I roll under, happy to bob up where ever, or become the water. There is no difference between one and the other. And the mind that has been so diligent about remembering so many details about loss and failure, and has so much to opine about hour upon hour, long into the night; this friend of so steady and assured companionship just keeps repeating to me: "Look at this place!" And this, alas, is love. What abides in the wonder can never be lost. No one, no god, above. No life below. It just is in here as I am. What I see "out there"--the green of vibrant leaving along every hill and slope, the seething water through the fallen bank, the hum of people walking on sidewalks in front of shops of every nature but the one that would do me any good--these are me. From here, I see no difference between you and me. And I love that so.