Pornfunk

Last night we had another in a series of quasi-fruitful band rehearsals. The whole band has not gotten together since before Christmas, and there are many reasonable explanations for this. Seems the lot of us have been going through relationship issues that we needed to devote a level of mental time to, and there has been a definite lack of cohesiveness in the band and where we think we are going. Since I have been living with the reality of a collapsed relationship, I sort of got on my soapbox and took to analyzing where we are as a band as if we were all in a relationship together. I think the metaphor helped us look at ourselves in a different light, and hopefully, by looking at it in new ways, we can see what the next step is. In the beginning, of course, it was awesome. Whatever we played together clicked and we were all filled with the vitality that we were going to go far and long together and make music that meant something to us and was technically good. Of course we noted where it was going to need a lot of work, but the proof was in the energy that we had after we played. Purely sexual. When you hit it together and each part harmonizes and radiates off each other, you lose yourself and become the music itself, and when you stop, there is the buzz and a certain happiness knowing that you are going to do this again and again and it is only going to get better. And this is what happens. Sometimes when one of us had an idea that we wanted to get across, a kind of feel, or a progression that we wanted to explore, we would get caught up in labels and issues and inhibitions, and there was difficulty and we got uncomfortable, but we also understood that whatever we talked about today, even if we disagreed, was going to get worked though tomorrow. We all just wanted to play and get better together and continue to discover what was special about playing the kind of music we wanted to make. Our library of songs grew until we thought we had barely enough to play the local bar, and then we went out and played there. If I remember right, there were very few people there, and none of them were much interested in hearing music that they did not know. We are not a cover band, so no one could have known our music. That and the band's pornographic name have always been known issues, and though we regularly discuss changing both, we are what we are, and we wanted to be known for that. I have very little interest in making music that does not move people in a new way. I never want to be in the background musically, something that sounds like what you expect and already know. There is too much out there not to dare to show what you hear that is unique. This is my opinion, and not all members of the band share it. This is an area we disagree on. But last night, being in a mood to dig all the way to the core if need be to try to get at what we need, I kept turning the conversation from you want he wants I want to what we want. As a unit. As a band. Where are we going; what are the band hangups? Do we need to change personnel; am I the weak link? We all seem to agree that we need to get on stage, but what that's going to take is an issue. I would go on stage with no material and make it all up if need be. I would play all our old songs. I would even play covers, although I would make sure that I did them all my way. Some of the others only want to go on stage when we have reached a certain polish and have a certain number of songs that we thoroughly know. Again, I have to ask, can we get there through these differences? Like a relationship, despite what we know we don't have, do we think we can get what we need and do we think that we will all be better for it? How much am I willing to give up of what I want personally so that the greater whole can take us to the next level? Because it is about the next level. The band reached our apex in the months that we were playing at the bar, culminating in a live off-the-board recording that went on to a cd that many of our friends have received and probably forgotten by now. There is much dissension about whether this is a "complete" product, but, based on what we have done since then, it is surely the best that we have put out so far. In the Spring we decided as a band that we were not going to put any more energy into playing the local dive and we were going to focus on venues with audiences perhaps more receptive to alternative music. We continually refined our sound and explored our relationships musically in the studio, and the music that we made in those days began to suggest that we were much better and tighter than we were used to thinking we were. We have astonishing recordings of moments where we reached heights of musical communion, and buried in hours of tape are many songs that could become focused into compositions, but we were all charged with the exploration, and every rehearsal was another night of free love. We thought we could come back and work out the details contained in the jams, but we also dearly loved what we were making. But being on the cusp, some of our insecurities began to show through, and instead of trust with one another's visions, we felt as if we weren't measuring up to the expectations that we sensed the others were looking for. We tried to talk about it, but the dynamics of the individuals seemed to doom reasonable progress. Others variables included one of our members getting married and moving a considerable distance away, another member moving a fiancé from Philly, and other personal matters of that sort. We also had another musician join us and spent a lot of time bringing him up to speed with our music before he left, suddenly, to do something else. The result was a sort of stasis where we were making really good music, but we were unable to feel the band's progress toward a unified goal. We dragged through the summer and into the fall, until we got to where we are now: a group of talented musicians that hasn't played together for months. Some of us are actively looking for new bands. I asked last night, unafraid of the answer, if this band was going to go on? Do I want to go on with this band? And I do. This is the band I have. This is the band that I believe in. Could I express myself better in another setting? Certainly that is attractive. Considering the energy that I can bring, and my penchant for performance, a new relationship could be quite explosive, but I also know that it was this way in the beginning with the band I am in now, and though it is not what I want it to be, and I am, in fact, quite dissatisfied with what it is now, I believe what we can do in the very near future can surpass what we have accomplished so far. That we all have to believe is the issue. I can't make it happen without them. Unless we all believe, we have nothing. We are just marking time and dreaming of the unknown, puffing ourselves up to look like it's not us that is the problem. Blaming and trying to control situations beyond our power drains the spirit and takes the spontaneity and fun out of our time together. We begin to avoid it and when we do show up, we only give a little and try to protect ourselves from criticism that may not even exist. We no longer need to hear from others about our deficiencies, we anticipate them and create them by ourselves. I mentioned last night that we should probably be having this conversation with a therapist in the room. A moment of humor ensued. And we played a little. I have been going out of my comfort zone to learn a little of a new instrument, and we messed around with the sound. And it wasn't great sex, but it was nurturing attention, and for the moment, we were just a few guys who loved music, working out with what we had and laughing. As to the future of the band, we just can't know this. All anyone ever has is now, as tenuous as this may seem. We can talk about what we want to have happen and we can work toward it, but both of these things happen in the moment, and merely provide the impetus to give or not give the next time we are in the now together. The real question becomes: "Do I have the courage within me to bring my best to a situation that may not work out how I want it to?" See you on stage.