Happy to work for it

Strange the many ways that events can be labelled. I had a fitful night's sleep. Brainpan was overflowing with charge. I had dreams of visitations from beings that were so compassionate and so overwhelming. I don't usually dream like that, but there have been many parts of my life calling out to me. I was feeling a little powerless. When I woke my son, he complained that he had been awakened three times by the color 'red', and I certainly remembered how red these beings were. I don't put a lot of stock in the world usually unseen by us, but it regularly interacts with me. Another way to put this is that I have a lot of impulses that I can follow or not. Not following leads to restlessness. Following them brings me strange energy. I have allowed myself to be consumed by the world, and I am a sad and misaligned creature when I am in this way. But something always rouses me from my slumber. I can't manage to stay awake on my own, but I have a lot more help than I usually admit. Awakeness is happiness, and unhappy things can be going on all around me, but when I am in line with my true being, I see them as a play that I have joined. My part is really to enjoy the show. Harder than it sounds. I really get into my roles sometimes. The role of "Dad" is a heavy one for me when I sleepwalk through it. I get all caught up in the right thing, and trying to raise a good little human. I forget that soon enough he won't be little, and I forget what Dads look like to little kids. He spilled some mystery liquid into my computer keyboard and now the letters stick. He wouldn't admit he did it and I found myself getting very upset and gearing up for another lecture, and he started to cringe, and though I rarely spank him, it is the nuclear option for me and he knows it. And I saw him cringing and I could feel his fear, and I told him, "No one is going to hit anyone over this. But I am mad and I want you to know how I feel." He totally relaxed and I felt like he heard me. This little bit did a lot more for me. I felt the power of control surge through me. I felt the compassion of deeper knowing. Another role that is challenging for me is "Boyfriend", sometimes known as "Mate", "Partner" or "Husband" among others. This role has such power. The art of sexual gratification, the sharing of simple things together. The promise of carrying ideas and goals forward with another beautiful human. But the dark side is that it is so easy to lose sight of what brought you together in the first place. Like trying to do things for yourself, seeing another for what they are takes a lesser priority to the bells and clanging of the rest of the world. As it slips in priority, so it slips in its power. Instead of little everyday maintanence, I find myself taken aback by what I have allowed to idle without my breath. It has been my habit to sleep heavily when I most need to be alert. This is a lesson I have had such trouble learning, and so I have to keep auditioning. Fate always brings me what I need, and I always want to practice learning to love more. There is an endless supply of love that just needs to be acknowledged for all obstacles to fall away. But that's getting out of the role. That's the next level, and though I know it is right here right now with me, I have to stay awake for it. I have to know it is there and live it. Which is where I am now. "Trouble, it is not true that I know you..." Not denial of all the complications and challenges, but a willingness to see them for what they are and work to make the powerful world inside me stay visable that it can benefit those I love. Just this knowing that I am cared for beyond my understanding invites me to turn to those I have loved and make of it more light, more love, more forgiving, more compassionate, as those who love me keep showing me.