Scribe

Tonight I feel a little lost. It's ok, because I have been a traveler my whole life and I am used to it. I know the terrain well, and even though I don't know exactly where I am, I know that I am looked after. I know that I am loved. I have this impulse to write that has been neglected in the last few months, and I have been posting on this and on the mirror. I can't stop. I feel like I have a fountain of words in my head and I have to let them out or go crazy. Writing has always been my therapist, and I am always saner when I let it out. Some of you may have read most of the poems I have been posting already, but I find it so strange to come back to them and see that they are still me. The test of a good poem is if it speaks to you even when it was written long ago. Something that was written by a different person about different circumstance (really still me, just back in the sea of time, or rather swimming in a now as memory) still calls out with truth. I wrote the last one about the moon, but, because something on the order of 90% of all poems ever written are about the moon, I tried to find what it was about the shape and the shadow that was unique. Somehow it became a paean to life in the lost lane, a plane that I have been dancing on for a few days now. I was struck anew by it's poignancy, and how much like it I felt today. It's so hard to accept truth when it is not what you thought it was, and when you have been thinking of yourself as part of something, it is wretched to realize that you are back to the beginning again and you are alone. I believe with my whole heart that the only thing left to do is to love more. When my mother died, I grieved deeply, but I didn't let go of the love I had for her. I loved her more. When my intimate relationships have broken down and it becomes obvious that we are no longer a couple, I say goodbye, and then I love them more. Of course, I can't love them in the same way. I can't touch them with the intimacy that I once did, but I can still believe in them. I loved them. Once they were my world. Would I really rather forget them and let my world contract, or would I rather keep that love, nurture it, forgive, and accept them so that there is more love? This is the personal philosophy that I take the most heat for. Most just don't seem to understand. Usually, I am thought of as still being "in love" with my ex-lovers. Sometimes I get mistreated by those I continue to love because they know that I love them beyond what they do. For my legion of flaws, (which, taken all together, make the perfect self) this is not one of them. Each time I love, I grow stronger. Each person that I have loved stays with me in their most beautiful state. The forgetting is for the bad times, the misunderstanding, the fights. Forgetting is for how I feel when deep in loss. I honor my love by loving, and when I feel lost, like tonight, I remember how my heart felt the first time I saw her face, the first time I held him in my arms, the first time I gazed into my mother's eyes and saw in them myself as love.