Mourning

On Saturday, my relationship with a fine woman came crashing to an end. Well, I feel like I was in a crash, but the actual breakup was pretty reasonable. We had a mutual understanding that there was no longer enough spark between us to continue with all the detailed arrangements that we had to make to be together. I have a son, she has sons. Blended families are hard enough. I am now in the vacuum of post relationship. For the last several months, we have been in constant contact with each other at work and home. Now that is gone, and though it is good to know what it really is, I miss her. No more instant messages. No more pictures. No more emails. No more contact. Harsh reality. Where once she and hers were mine, now they are not. It's Tuesday today, but it feels like Monday again. And I am happy in many ways, and optimistic. It was a good relationship to have, and I am glad I had it. We tried hard enough to make it work and it didn't. I can live with this. But the mind, still used to it's habits, spins out the questions. They keep me up at night, and there is a deep sadness in the shadows of my life. Yes, Time, I know you will cure me. Meanwhile, the dance goes on. Work and son, friends and music. The issues I had before I met her are still with me. What is the point of my art? What am I really going to do about the issues I feel passionately about? How am I going to break out of the musical funk that I have been in with my band since Fall? How am I going to be the best Dad for my son? I stare at the screen. Outside, the sky is gray. This is the feeling of freedom. The familiar feeling that the wind can come up at anytime and up I'll go. And I remain intent on seeking the deepest of me I can find. This is the constant. I know so much, and there is so much more to know, and my mind does not stop. Undisciplined mind. I love you, but you gotta give me a little break here. Accept, finally, what is before me. I am a big fan of being here now, but I am in the past. Remembering, loving and feeling the love, even as it releases me, grow. This is part of my mandate. No matter the hurt, I live in it so that I know it's power. I open to it as honestly as I can so that I can learn Love's true nature, so that I can open out and release it back into the world. To bring more light where there is so much darkness. I can do this.